Beta'er: Ti I don't know she has LJ account or not, but I'm so grateful for her. Really. ILY
Pairing: Yesung; Eunhyuk; Donghae; Siwon; Kyuhyun.
Genre: Bromance; Angst.
Words count: 3,283.
Warning: Character death.
Disclaimer: no mine.
Summary: Nightmare could kill.
Ever since he joined Super Junior, he was scared.
He was scared to compete with everyone else.
They were always better than him.
He met his fellow members, who were no doubt superior to him.
He didn’t have good speaking skills like Leeteuk.
He didn’t have social connections like Heechul.
He couldn’t make people laugh like Shindong.
He couldn’t persuade people like Kangin.
He wasn't an aegyo king like Sungmin.
He also wasn't a rapper master like Eunhyuk.
He couldn’t move his body hypnotizingly and dance well like Donghae.
He wasn't perfect like Siwon.
He couldn’t write music like Ryeowook.
He couldn’t make people faint with just one smile like Kibum could.
And… he didn’t have Kyuhyun's smooth, velvet voice.
He knew— hell, everybody knew that he, Yesung, is Super Junior's lead vocalist.
But there’s also Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, and he knew that “lead vocal” was only a position.
He was scared. His self-esteem was that low.
He had less schedules than the others.
He had more anti-fans than the others.
He had “fail” as a nickname, which didn’t exactly help him think more positively about himself.
He was always, always comparing himself to others higher than him.
Instead of being a motivation, it transformed into terrible nightmares.
He couldn’t even recall when the nightmares began, those nightmares that haunted him each passing night.
The nightmares that told him he wasn't any good.
He wasn't worth anything.
He was alone.
The nightmares always woke him up in the middle of the night with harsh breathing and tears that flew down his porcelain cheeks.
Nightmares that made him perfectly useless.
“Hyung, are you alright?” Eunhyuk asked him once when he saw Yesung's pale face.
Even those who were blind could’ve felt Yesung's changes.
His face held a fake smile that looked like a misplaced sticker.
His body grew thinner because of his unhealthy diet— or was it because of a diet?
The dark shadows below his eyes alone were more than enough to tell every single member in Super Junior that there was something wrong.
Yesung nodded and sat on the couch while Eunhyuk looked at Donghae. Donghae approached Eunhyuk, and without any hesitation they sat beside Yesung.
“Hyung, if you have a problem, you can tell us.” Donghae said and Eunhyuk nodded his agreement.
Yesung smiled and ruffled their hair. “I'm okay...” he answered.
"You know that right, hyung?" Eunhyuk asked.
Yesung frowned. "Know what?"
"That you can tell us everything. We might not be able to help or solve the problem, but at least we could try to find a way together. You're our hyung. You always take care of us. The only thing we can do to in return is to be there for you too." Donghae said.
Yesung was touched by Donghae's words. It gave him warmth, knowing that he had these two boys caring for him, even though they were pretty nosy at times. He smiled once again. "I know," he reassured, and headed towards the bathroom. But inside, he questioned those words.
“There's must be something wrong with him...” Eunhyuk mumbled.
Donghae only nodded in agreement. “It must be. You see? He's getting thinner day by day! His bloodshot eyes don't help either! And his face is just, oh my God— ” Donghae broke off as someone hit his head.
He growled and looked behind to find Siwon staring at him. “What was that for??!!”
Siwon smiled sweetly, showing his dimples. “Don't use God's name in vain, Hae.”
“Aish.” Donghae only growled more.
“Anyway, what are you guys talking about?” Siwon asked and took a seat besides Donghae.
Donghae and Eunhyuk sighed in unison.
“It's Yesung hyung... there's something wrong with him.” Eunhyuk answered.
Siwon reflected for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, I think he's changing.”
“Why don't we stalk him?”
Siwon, Eunhyuk, and Donghae looked behind, startled, to find Kyuhyun with PSP in his hand.
“Stalk? That's creepy!!” Siwon disagreed.
Kyuhyun turned off his PSP and sighed, “I know, but Yesung hyung isn't a person who will talk about his problems! And… I’m worried about him too. He's just like a living corpse right now!”
They all sighed for the nth time.
“Okay, we stalk him starting from now.” Siwon decided reluctantly while the others only nodded, following Siwon's lead.
They didn't find anything wrong with Yesung during their schedule. Then night fell.
They waited for Yesung to fall asleep so they could check his phone and search for a diary, if he had one at all.
They truly wanted to know what causing their beloved hyung to behave like that. They were worried.
Then they saw it.
They watched as Yesung tried to fight in his sleep against his nightmare, and finally when he woke up, hardly breathing and sobbing. “Oh God, how much longer will I have this nightmare? I'm tired... I'm tired...” he mumbled hopelessly.
He didn't know his dongsaengs were there watching him, due to the darkness of the room. Until finally, Kyuhyun asked him aloud with his cold voice, “When did this start, hyung?”
Yesung gasped, and although the room was dark, he could now see the outlines of four people in his room. People who stood beside his bed and stared at him, demanding answers.
Yesung didn't speak; he was still sobbing.
Donghae approached Yesung and hugged him. “Hyung, what is your nightmare? Since when you start having those nightmares?” he asked softly.
Yesung shook his head as more tears poured from his eyes, “I don't know... I don't know...”
Eunhyuk, Siwon, and Kyuhyun only sighed. Siwon and Kyuhyun sat on the edge of Yesung's bed while Eunhyuk turned on the lamp.
Yesung hugged Donghae tightly; he needed it and Donghae let him hug him as tightly as he could.
They were waiting for Yesung to finally calm down.
But then, Kyuhyun's eyes caught something. He snatched up Yesung's hand and gasped in shock.
Yesung, who was suprised with Kyuhyun's sudden action, tried to pull his hands from Kyuhyun's grasp, but Kyuhyun was stronger than him. “Hyung, what is this?” Kyuhyun asked with his unchanging cold tone. This was too much to believe.
“Nothing...” Yesung's answered and tried to pull his hand from Kyuhyun's grip, but Kyuhyun tightened his grasp. He was pissed, mad, and upset, “Answer me, hyung!!” Kyuhyun demanded for an answer, an exact answer.
“Noth-” Kyuhyun send him a glare before Yesung could finish his sentence, “Nothing your ass! What is this?? Are you trying to kill yourself?? Huh?!?!”
Yesung looked away, while Eunhyuk, Donghae, and Siwon were frozen with shock from what they saw. Yesung really didn't know how to answer. He felt ashamed, too ashamed.
Kyuhyun, Siwon, Eunhyuk, and Donghae were the closest members to him. He always took care of them and they did same for him.
He was ashamed when he realized that his four dongsaengs were so far above him. Their talents, their abilities, their skills, and they were also so much stronger than him. Yesung, as their hyung, knew. He realized that he was nothing compared to Eunhyuk, Donghae, Siwon, and Kyuhyun. Even though he was ashamed, he was also proud. He was proud to have them. He couldn't be more grateful when he noticed that these four also cared for him.
But to have them know about his low self-esteem, his lack of talent, and that he wasn't as strong as they imagined made him feel even more ashamed of himself. He was pitiful. Pathetic.
“Hyung... since when?” Siwon asked as he demanded for an answer too.
Yesung only shook his head. He wouldn’t speak. No. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t, and couldn’t, let himself to look more pitiful than he already was.
Donghae got up from the bed, wanting to change his awkward sitting position. He accidentally hit the nightstand beside the bed, causing the small drawer to open.
His eyes opened wide as his shaking hand grabbed the object inside. “Hyung...”
Yesung looked at Donghae and froze. I'll die, was what he thought when he saw the object that Donghae clutched in his hand.
Eunhyuk took it from Donghae and read it frantically. He looked at Yesung with tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn't believe all the horrible things they discovered in one night. “Hyung, are you really trying to kill yourself? Answer us! Please, please. Please just answer us, hyung!” Eunhyuk shouted. He couldn't stand this anymore.
Yesung lowered his head. He didn't know what to do, how to explain. But he was sure that there was no way for him to escape his four brothers. He was alone on his bed with the door closed. He was trapped.
“Hyung, we-we are worried about you! We. Are. Fucking. Worried. About. You!!! Can't you just answer our simple question?!” Siwon almost screamed. He was frustrated, and didn’t even seem to notice his own swearing.
“It's not simple, Siwon!” Yesung was getting uncomfortable, his tears flowing smoothly onto his cheeks once again, “It's not fucking simple!! At all! How can you say it's simple to confess the misery of life your life to the people you love most? How?!!”
“Then, if you love us, if you really, really love us, tell your misery, hyung. We are here to help you,” Donghae said as he grabbed Yesung's smaller hand.
Yesung sighed shakily. He finally gave up at the end.
He started to tell them about his insecurity, his low self-esteem that followed him each night into his dreams and utterly broke him.
How could this be?
How could Yesung, who Eunhyuk thought had great self-confidence, who Donghae thought was really cheerful, who Siwon thought was extremely cute, and who Kyuhyun thought had the best voice of all, have such low self-esteem?
How could it be so bad that it haunted him in his sleep every night?
“Hyung, how could you think of us being so high above you? I'm not perfect! We are not perfect!” Siwon exclaimed passionately.
“Did you know people always say that you are prettier than a girl and cuter than a baby?” Donghae asked and Yesung shook his head.
“Did you know how much I adore your voice and singing style?” Kyuhyun asked and Yesung shook his head again.
“Did you know how I hoped I could be the lead singer rather than the lead dancer?” Eunhyuk asked and again Yesung shook his head.
"We practice together. We learn together. I'm not perfect as you think, hyung. I might be a good model or actor, but I don't have any singing talent like you and Kyuhyun. I don't have dance skills like Donghae. I don't even know how to rap like Eunhyuk . And what group is Super Junior again? It's an idol, singer, and dance group, yet I don't have good talent for singing and dancing. I have something that I lack too." Siwon stated.
"Donghae and I may be good in dancing and rapping, but you are the one who teaches us carefully how to sing. Remember, hyung, when you said that I'll be dancing in front and you'll singing behind me? You're one of the main reasons why Super Junior still exists. I don't even know how our songs would turn out if you weren’t here." Eunhyuk said.
"I might have a good voice too, hyung. But our voices are different. I know many people love my voice because it's deep and smooth, but don't you know that many of them also prefer your voice? Your voice is husky, powerful, and calming. You sing with all your emotions. People can feel what you’re feeling, they can feel what the songs were meant to say. You're also the one who taught me most of the techniques. You don't know how happy I was when I knew I'd have a duet with you. "Kyuhyun said.
Yesung just sat there, absorbing everything they were saying.
Then, they all hugged him tightly. “You have to know that people are also jealous of you, hyung. You also have to know that you have your own charisma.” Siwon said.
"And most importantly, we love you. We wouldn’t want to have our Yesung hyung in any other way." Donghae added.
"We love you because you are our beloved, cute Yesungie hyung." Eunhyuk’s tears threatened to spill from his eyes.
"And you are irreplaceable, Sungie hyung," Kyuhyun said as he squeezed Yesung even tighter.
Then crying was the only thing Yesung could do.
Did he say before, how grateful he was to have these four brothers? No? Then he will say it now. His heart almost overflowed with gratitude for his beloved dongsaengs, Eunhyuk, Donghae, Siwon, and Kyuhyun.
After that day, Eunhyuk, Donghae, Siwon, and Kyuhyun always came to Yesung's room each night. Not only one, either. They asked Leeteuk to let them sleep in one room.
Leeteuk was confused at first, but after seeing how eager they were to share a room with Yesung, Leeteuk let them be.
They pushed one long couch into Yesung's room. Then they made an agreement. Yesung will sleep with one of them, two will sleep on the other bed, and the last one will sleep on the couch. They also made a schedule on who will sleep with Yesung each night. Yesung could only chuckle, seeing them arguing about the schedule that was arranged by Kyuhyun, who planned to sleep with their Yesung hyung. They emphasized on their.
They made sure that Yesung slept well each day, and slowly, day by day, the nightmares lessened and finally disappeared.
Until… Super Junior-M needed to go for a promotion in Taiwan.
“Will you be okay, hyung?” Donghae asked in worry and hugged Yesung tightly before they went to the airport.
Yesung nodded his head and smiled, the real smile he used to have.
“Call us if you have the nightmare, okay?” Kyuhyun insisted and Yesung only nodded once more.
The night right after Super Junior-M was gone, his nightmare is came back. He was scared that his four dongsaengs would forget about him, which worsened the nightmare.
He didn't want to disturb his dongsaengs, so he tried to ignore it.
One week – two weeks – three weeks passed.
Yesung continuously got the nightmare, until he finally gave up.
He woke up after one session of that nightmare. He almost cried, again. 22:47. He couldn’t even stand sleeping anymore. He couldn't concentrate on his schedules. He couldn't concentrate during practice. He was doing absolutely poorly, and seemed to be lacking in every way possible.
He grabbed his phone and starts to push the buttons. “Please answer... please...”
Donghae's and Eunhyuk's phones were out of reach, most likely turned off.
Siwon's phone vibrated while he was having a good time with his church community friends in Taiwan during a small service. He wanted to go out, but he didn't want to miss the service. So he turned off his phone immediately after the vibrating stopped.
Kyuhyun's phone rang while he was in the middle of drinking with Ryeowook and Sungmin. Feeling annoyed with the disturbance during his drinking time, he smashed his phone on the table and threw the battery. Then he continued his laughter with a bottle of wine his right hand.
Yesung looked at his phone, tears welling in his eyes. He was hopeless.
He was scared and insecure. His dongsaengs were forgetting him after all.
He cried helplessly and took up the object, the same object that Donghae found before. He smiled bitterly, glad he still saved some of them.
He swallowed a handful of pills without caring about the dosage.
Then he grabbed a small knife hidden below his bed and started to draw lines in his wrist.
He didn't care when the red color starts to stained his white bed sheet. His eyes blurred, whether from tears or something else, he couldn’t tell. "I'm sorry…"
Eunhyuk, Donghae, Kyuhyun, Siwon, and the other members of Super Junior-M grumbled when their noisy manager roughly woke them up and told them to prepare to leave.
“Hyung, our schedule today starts at eleven!” Henry protested.
“This is not about your schedule! Your schedules were all cancelled! We’re all going back to Korea, RIGHT NOW!!” the manager screamed, confusing the members.
“What happened, hyung?” ZhouMi asked timidly.
The manager hyung didn't know the right words to choose. He didn't want to say it. He didn’t know how to say it, even if he wanted to. It was a forbidden thing for him, “You'll know when arrive. Don't forget to wear a black suit and tie. Make sure you all look like gentlemen. At least, pretend…" the manager sighed before he finished his words. He couldn't, he really couldn't say the truth, because it hurts, it hurts so much. "Pretend that you will be paying a visit to the president. I'll… I’ll wait for you downstairs in thirty minutes.”
Eunhyuk, Donghae, Siwon, and Kyuhyun froze. They stood there like glass statues, about to shatter at any given moment.
Their hearts were being stabbed by millions of needles and knives, shattering them like broken crystal.
For those who buy or own a precious gem, they will treasure it. They buy it because they love it.
A crystal is always expensive, exclusive, and precious.
Once it was broken, it's hard to fix, it's hard to replace.
Even if it's fixed, it won't be the same.
Even if it's replaced, the feeling will never be the same.
They lost their ability to keep breathing. Their knees buckled. They wanted to black out, to lose consciousness, to stop feeling the pain.
“W-wh-what happened...?” Eunhyuk asked with a broken voice.
Leeteuk just cried mindlessly, “We… We don't know! We don't know! We really re-really don't know! We came to his room, and-and-and his bed was a pool of blood... his-his blood. It-it was Y-Yesung's blood and w-we saw... the s-sleeping pills ev-everywhere and, and h-he was g-g-gone by, by the time... we found him... We really don't know! Yesung-ah!” Leeteuk screamed his dongsaeng's name, an anguished scream that held misery, longing, and guilt.
“Hyung!! You can't do this!! You can't leave me! You can't leave us!! Wake up!!!! Wake up, damnit!!! Hyung!!” Kyuhyun demanded, unable to accept the truth.
But for whom were those words? For the wind?
They fell on their knees. Their fists were banging on the coffin.
They didn’t know...
They never knew...
The guilt found the way to their hearts.
If only they answered the call. If only they didn't turn off their phones. If only they remembered to turned it back on and at least checked who called them.
If only time could be turned back to eight hours and twenty three minutes ago.
“Hyung... We-we're sorry hyung... Hyung... Please... Please, wake up... For me hyung, wake up… Y-you took care o-of me after m-my father's death b-but I c-couldn’t e-even do the same… Hyung… I can't l-lose you too… Please...”
"You… You are stu-stupid hyung… You had been blinded by your low self-esteem hyung... Y-you can't be like this… W-who who will sing be-behind when I dance in the front, h-hyung?"
"Your paranoia was becoming your nightmare, hyung. B-but you know what is our nightmare...? O-Our nightmare is w-when we can't see you anymore, hyung..."
"I-If your nightmare can kill you… T-then our nightmare c-can kill us too..."
A/N I: The ending - the last sentence was said by Kyuhyun by the way. I put the ending to you. If you ask my version. I know you know my writing style, right?
A/N II: This is a fiction. Purely imaginative. Yesung seemed to had lack of self esteem back before Sorry, Sorry. He got less screen time and didn't get the love which he deserved. But since Sorry, Sorry to It's You and started to Bonamana especially after It Has To Be You, Yesung gain more and more love and he finally realized that he is special. So please, don't take this fiction seriously. This is pure fiction. Thank you.
A/N III: I wrote this two years ago. On 2010. I have no confidence on putting this story back then. I just found the document this morning while I'm cleaning my hard disk and I thought, I've wrote this, why I waste it? Even though this isn't good, but at least it's not a waste.
A/N IV: I found a bit of my unfinished stories. I found that I have three or four or even more unfinished stories in my documents. I read each of them and I thought that I have a good start, but I have done nothing to finish it and I don't know how to finish it. If any of you want to finish those stories which I have started long time ago or maybe wanting to collaborating with me. Let me know then I'll send it to you through e-mail.
A/N V: I am really grateful for my beta'er, Ti. She has an asianfanfics account and I don't know how can I say how grateful I am for her willingness to beta my fic. I was searching like a mad girl for some beta and she just came out of nowhere and asked me. OMFG. Thank you so much, Ti. Thank you... Really T T